A Dog's Best Friend is Not a POW
by Book 'em Again
Summary: Hogan's big mouth endangers some of the heroes' most valuable allies when Klink decides to replace the camp's guard dogs with Belgian Shepherds. Sequel to "LeBeau and the Little Old Lady." Written for the SSSW challenge.


" _If Major Hochstetter has to recapture your prisoner you'll never hear the end of it._

" _Why would Major Hochstetter's men find LeBeau before my men?_

" _His dogs are smarter. They use Belgian Shepherds, you use German."_

 _"The German Shepherd dog is the smartest dog in the world."_

" _They couldn't find the mess hall."_

Hogan and Klink in "LeBeau and the Little Old Lady"

* * *

Hogan whistled softy as he took his place for morning roll call. It was a beautiful day and no late night missions for the last several days meant that he was well rested. However, not all of his men were what one would call morning people.

Newkirk scowled at his CO's cheery tune. "Someone's rather chipper this morning."

Hogan smiled. "I had the most wonderful dream."

"About who, sir, Juliana?" Newkirk laughed as he exchanged a knowing look with the others.

LeBeau elbowed his English friend. "I think he means nightmare."

Hogan let his men laugh. The whole situation was amusing, just not in the way his men believed. For the more he told the truth about their Underground contact, the more they were convinced that Juliana was everything LeBeau claimed that Wilhelmina was. And having Juliana to himself was a prospect that any man would pleased with. Though one would think that LeBeau would be a little more grateful towards his CO, considering Hogan had convinced Klink to reduce his thirty days in the cooler to a mere three.

As Schultz walked to the front of the line, Kinch leaned forward and asked, "How old is she, sir?"

"Eins," Schultz began.

"Forty?" Kinch guessed.

"Zwei."

"Fifty?"

"Drei."

"Sixty?"

"Colonel Hogan, can you please order your men to stop calling out numbers while I count."

"Sure thing, Schultz."

"Eins, zwei..."

Looking back over his shoulder, the officer replied, "In her _twenties_ , I think."

"Drei, vier..."

"And probably pregnant with her _third_ kid," Carter said with a grin.

Schultz groaned and was about to restart the count again when Klink walked out onto the compound."Report!" the Kommandant called out.

Deciding that it looked like all the men where there, Schultz replied, "All present and accounted for."

Klink started rubbing his hands together which meant they were in for a long speech this morning. There went the nice day. "Soldiers of a war of which you are no longer a part, these foolhardy escape attempts must stop. Stalag Thirteen is escape proof and ..."

"Sir," Kinch whispered just loudly enough for those around him to hear, "speaking of Juliana, a message came through from her last night."

"... a waste of your time and mine."

Grateful to his XO for the distraction, Hogan asked, "What sort of message?'

"The Underground have discovered a nearby ammo dump that they'd like our assistance in blowing up."

"No one has ever escaped from Stalag Thirteen..."

That sounded easy enough. "You have the coordinates?" Hogan asked.

Kinch shook his head. "Apparently, it is well hidden. If we bring the explosives, Juliana will lead us to the site."

It looked like the truth was going to come out. Though if he sent Kinch and Carter, he could probably count on the two POWs joining in on the game.

Finally wrapping things up, Klink announced, "...and no one ever will. Dismissed!"

The men starting moving back toward the barracks when Kinch laid a hand on his shoulder. "Colonel, the gate."

Hogan frowned as he watched a very familiar truck pull into the compound. Schnitzer was early - two days early - something was going on.

"Mon Colonel, look at his hat."

"I see it, LeBeau." The veterinarian was wearing his cap backwards and they all knew what that meant. Schnitzer needed to meet with them urgently.

Before Hogan could make plans to distract the guards, Schnitzer headed for the Kommandantur and the officer wasted no time in following. He trusted that his men would listen in. Coming up with an excuse on the fly, Hogan burst into Klink's office before the two Germans had time to exchange greetings. "Kommandant, I wish to file a complaint."

"Hogan, I'm busy. I do not have time to deal with your petty grievances."

"This isn't petty, sir. You know morale is always low after a failed escape. A couple more speeches like that and the men won't even bother to attend escape committee meetings."

"Morale is your problem, not mine. Dismissed."

"Sir." Hogan paused as if he just noticed that they were not alone. "This is too much. After gloating to my men, you bring in the man responsible for those vicious beasts that keep us all here. Have you no mercy?"

Klink looked confused. "Vicious beasts? Last week you said that they were too dumb to find the mess hall!"

A feeling of dread filled every bone in his body. Klink couldn't have taken his joke seriously, could he?

Smiling, Klink turned his attention back to his guest. "Herr Schnitzer, any progress in the matter I contacted you about?"

"Yes, Herr Kommandant, I've found a couple of trained Belgian Shepherds that could be here by the end of the week. However, it will be some time and I fear, a great expense, before I am able to find a full contingent."

"I'm sure that the Belgian Shepherds will do so well that we can get by with fewer dogs than before." Then looking at his senior prisoner, Klink couldn't resist the chance to gloat. "Colonel Hogan, I must thank you for this wonderful idea. I never would have thought to use Belgian Shepherd dogs without our conversation."

Desperate to stop this, Hogan faked a smile. "Are you kidding, Kommandant? The men will be thrilled to know that you are getting rid of those killers. I'm going to have to call an emergency meeting to handle all the new requests."

"You don't fool me, Hogan. You want me to change my mind. But I'm onto you. The guard dogs will be replaced with Belgian Shepherds and these pointless escape attempts will cease. Dismissed."

Aware that he'd lost the battle, Hogan gave a sloppy salute and exited the office. He had a major mess on his hands. They needed the dogs to stay. He doubted that the any replacements would be loyal to the prisoners. And dogs trained to obey the guards would discover the POWs' scent in the woods in no time.

What did he always tell his men? Don't oversell your part. Well, it looked like he needed to follow his own advice because there was no doubt that this one was on him.

The door opened and Schnitzer stepped out. As the elder man brushed past, Hogan whispered, "Follow Klink's orders. We'll be in touch."

As the vet left the camp, Hogan trudged back to barracks and discovered his men still gathered in his office. One look at their faces told him that they had heard every word. Holding up his hands in self-admonishment, he said, "I know. I messed up. I got overconfident and padded my part."

Carter looked hurt. "Gee, Colonel, why'd you have to insult the dogs? What'd they ever do you?"

Newkirk , however, was angry. "You couldn't let sleeping dogs lie, could you? You had to go and open your mouth."

"Sir," Kinch said, "you know the dogs are crucial to our operation. Why take the risk?"

LeBeau won't even look at him but talked to the dog in his lap. "Maybe we should replace the mean ole Colonel instead of you."

Hogan did a double take. There was a dog in the room. "LeBeau, what's Heidi doing here?"

The Frenchman wrapped his arms around the German Shepherd's neck. "I won't let them take her. I won't!"

Great, Hogan was going to be the first officer on record to suffer a mutiny on the account of a dog.

Opening the door, the officer ordered, "Heidi, shoo." After Heidi obeyed he explained, "If the guards spot her in here, we'll lose any chance we have at getting the dogs back."

Carter brightened. "Back?"

"Yes, back. We're not letting them take our dogs without a fight."

He just had to figure out how.

* * *

"Packen!"

A large black Belgian Shepherd burst into motion, barking as he ran straight towards a hapless dummy tied loosely to a nearby pole. Sharp teeth sunk into the dummy's arm causing a few of the POWs, who were covertly watching the demonstration from a window, to wince in sympathy. A strong jerk of the dog's head meant to bring the dummy down to the ground instead caused the arm to rip completely off.

"Wow," Carter gasped.

"I think you mean bloody hell," Newkirk corrected.

Kinch crossed his arms. "That dog's a killer."

"It's not the dog's fault it was trained by the dirty Bosche," LeBeau protested.

Closing the window before the rest of Schnitzer's training session with the camp guards sent his men into a panic, Hogan said, "It doesn't matter if they are killers or puppies because they'll be gone by this time tomorrow."

Newkirk started looking around the room. "LeBeau, did you hear something?"

The Frenchman walked back to the stove and stirred the pot. "It couldn't have been that officer of ours. He knows that he's not welcome here until our dogs are returned."

Hogan sighed. His men's insubordination was getting really old, really fast. They weren't disobeying direct orders yet. But unless they were actively working on the mission, his men were busy pretending that he didn't exist.

After a final stir and a taste, LeBeau announced that the meal was ready. It smelled good; the chef had gotten his hands on some wild mushrooms. But when Hogan's bowl was sent down before him, it contained only a single piece of black bread. Again. If he wanted anything else he'd have to eat in the mess hall.

Resigned to his current predicament, Hogan decided to take his own words to heart as he took a bite of the stale bread. This would all be over tomorrow – he hoped.

* * *

LeBeau approached the dog pen carefully, keeping a close eye on the four dogs inside. The Belgian Shepherds were busy exploring their new home, digging in the dirt or lounging in the doghouses.

Glancing around the compound, he saw everyone getting into place. Colonel Hogan gave him a nod before disappearing into Klink's office. The Kommandant needed to be distracted and LeBeau hoped that his CO would be forced to resort to asking for a violin recital. That would serve the American right for endangering their most loyal and dependable allies.

Stepping closer to the pen, he almost jumped when the dogs started barking, but he forced himself to walk casually until he reached the spot where a sheet lay hidden under a pile of dirt. After checking that no guards were watching, he reached down pulled the sheet up and stuffed in under his uniform.

With the sheet gone, a small hole straddling both sides of the fence was revealed. One of the dogs noticed the change and started to inspect the opening with his nose.

Mission successful, LeBeau hurried over to where Kinch was waiting. The radioman was holding an oddly shaped trap that currently contained a rabbit. The poor thing had been caught last night and looked ready to bolt.

"Ready?" the Frenchman asked.

Kinch nodded. "Ready."

LeBeau pulled a dog whistle from his pocket and blew into it. The dogs started barking as they looked towards the two prisoners for the source of the sound that only they could hear. Kinch opened the trap and the frightened rabbit rushed out. It didn't take long for a dog to notice and wiggle under the fence through the hole. The rabbit ran for its life as a gigantic ball of fur came barreling towards it. Chaos quickly reigned as guards started shouting, POWs started running for the huts while the other three dogs barked happily as they, too, gained their freedom.

On the other side of the compound, Newkirk grinned as he watched two of the dogs decide to wreck havoc on Klink's garden. Sprinkling the area with cooking grease had the animals eager to find the delectable treats that they believed were hidden under the soil.

Meanwhile, the rabbit had taken refuge in the latrines. The dog chasing it seemed to believe that if only he barked loudly enough and long enough, the rabbit would come back out to play. The fourth dog was enjoying a game of 'catch me if you can' with a couple of guards over by the motor pool.

Dressed as a camp guard and with Carter at his side, Newkirk pulled his helmet low to shadow his face as he walked with his friend toward the garden. When they neared the closest dog, Carter called out firmly in German, "Heel."

Without hesitation, the dog stopped his digging and came and stood by the American's side, allowing him to clip a leash to his collar. Newkirk was impressed; Schnitzer wasn't kidding when he told them the dogs were well trained. Luckily for the POWs, the guards were too panicked to try a solution that simple.

Newkirk hurried ahead while Carter led his companion through a nearby mud puddle. By the time he'd picked the lock to Klink's quarters, the Belgian Shepherd was filthy. However, the dog was oblivious to the muddy footprints he had just tracked through Klink's quarters. Newkirk grabbed a pair of comfortable looking slippers and put a couple of dog treats inside each one. The Shepherd, now free of his leash, caught the thrown slippers and quickly went to work finding the treats inside his new favorite chew toys.

Their work complete, the two POWs headed back to the barracks to change.

* * *

"Colonel Hogan, I do not see how failing to provide your men with female companionship for the camp dance is a violation of the Geneva Convention."

"The Geneva Convention forbids the torture of prisoners of war, does it not?"

"Correct," Klink said, "but…"

"And you would have to agree that as men we have certain needs that only women can fulfill."

Klink huffed. "You should have thought about that before getting shot …" The German glanced toward the window as the sound of barking reached the office.

Moving to block the view, Hogan pressed on. "Forcing men to go years with these needs unmet is nothing short of cruel and unusual punishment."

What had started as faint shouting, now increased in volume and frequency. Concerned, Klink moved toward the door only to be blocked by an insistent American officer. "And think of all those pretty young frauleins whose sweethearts are stuck at the front. They also have needs that my men would be willing to ease."

Klink stepped to the side only to have Hogan step with him.

"Kommandant, I must insist. If you do not bring some females into camp, I will be forced to report you to the Red Cross."

"Hogan!"

Figuring that enough time had passed, Hogan stepped to the side and followed Klink out onto the porch. When the German officer took one look at the chaos in the compound, he immediately assumed the worst. "Sound the alarm! Let loose the dogs! Colonel Hogan, I promise you: no one escapes from Stalag Thirteen!"

Hogan couldn't help but grin. "It looks like the only escapees here are your new guard dogs."

"What?" Klink exclaimed. But after watching a guard fall on his face after attempting to catch one the dogs in the garden, he yelled, "My flowers! My camp! Someone catch those dogs!"

That was an order easier given then carried out as none of the guards were comfortable with their new charges and more than a few were deathly afraid of them. Finally, Langenscheidt remembered that they were trained guard dogs and issued the commands which told the dogs that their playtime was over. The guard stuttered as he reported, "Herr Kommandant… one of the dogs... is missing."

Already ready to pull out the rest of his hair over the state of his garden and the presence of a hole under the dog pen fence, Klink gave orders for a search party to be formed. While the idea of the guards wasting their time running around the woods was hilarious, Hogan needed the guards to remain in camp for now. "Herr Kommandant, is there a reason the door to your quarters is open?"

"No," Klink answered. "My quarters!" The Kommandant half ran, half stumbled as he rushed to his room. Hogan had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing; for a very happy Belgian Shepherd lay in the middle of a room covered in muddy paw prints. The dog looked up as they entered, tongue out, tail wagging and a slipper between his two front paws.

It was a beautiful sight. However, a loud thump as Klink hit the ground in a dead faint told Hogan that the Kommandant believed otherwise.

* * *

"Acht, neun, zehn..." Schultz's voice wavered as he came to an empty space in the line where a prisoner should have been. His eyes grew wide as he realized that not only one but three prisoners were missing. The whine in the guard's voice was unmistakable as he said, "Colonel Hogan."

"Is there a problem, Schultz?" Hogan answered calmly.

"I think he forgot his numbers again," Kinch joked.

Schultz groaned. "Where are Newkirk, Carter and LeBeau?"

Hogan shrugged. "They escaped."

"Escape! Colonel Hogan, no one is allowed to escape Stalag Thirteen."

"I'll have to remind the escape committee at the next meeting."

Schultz groaned. "This is no time for monkey business."

Walking out on the compound, Klink hollered, "Report!"

Schultz whimpered as he turned and said, "Herr Kommandant, I beg to report that...that... three prisoners are missing."

Klink immediately paled as he called out, "Sound the alarm, let loose the dogs!"

The alarms sounded as the guards ran, some trying to herd the prisoners back into the barracks while others went for the trucks and the dogs. However, loud complaints could be heard coming from the dog pen. A trembling Langenscheidt emerged and approached the Klink. "Herr Kommandant, the dogs are sleeping."

"They're dogs! Wake them up!" Klink ordered.

"We tried, Herr Kommandant. They don't want to get up."

Klink threw up his arms and began ranting about the incompetence of his men. Meanwhile, Hogan simply stood by and enjoyed the show. For it appeared that Schnitzer's dog-safe sleeping powder that they had mixed in with the dogs' dinner had worked beautifully. Klink was going to regret that he had ever heard of Belgian Shepherds before they were through.

* * *

Carter led Newkirk and LeBeau through the woods. They were near the rendezvous point and he had to admit that he was eager to meet Juliana. Though his anticipation was nothing compared to Newkirk's and LeBeau's as the Europeans were very keen to prove their CO wrong.

Seeing a figure standing under a nearby tree, the POWs stepped forward. Carter opened his mouth to speak when the woman turned and his jaw dropped as he got a good look. She was ... adjectives failed him as he simply stared.

"He told us the truth!" LeBeau exclaimed.

"That bloody officer!" Newkirk added. "He did it on purpose."

Juliana looked confused as she studied the three shocked POWs. "Are you Papa Bear's men?"

Forcing himself to stop staring at her ample bosom and look the Underground agent in the eye, Carter answered, "Yes."

Newkirk quickly moved to Juliana's side and placed an arm across her shoulder. "I want you to know that you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met.

Not to be outdone, LeBeau took her hand, kissed it and began to recite what Carter guessed was French poetry.

Rolling her eyes, Juliana shrugged off the two POWS. "I am supposed to lead you all to the ammo dump. Do you have the explosives?"

Realizing that he was going to have to take charge due to his lovestruck colleagues, Carter said, "Yes, ma'am."

Turning on her heel, she ordered, "Follow me."

Juliana set a fast pace and the POWs had to hurry to keep up. The ammo dump was exactly as advertised. Well hidden, but lightly guarded. So it was easy for LeBeau and Newkirk to sneak up on the guards while Carter set the charges. At least if they all struck out with Juliana, there would still be fireworks tonight.

* * *

Once the bombs were set and Juliana went on her way, LeBeau couldn't help but feel disappointed. That woman was a blond goddess but any chance he or Newkirk had was ruined by the fact that they'd let Colonel Hogan get to her first. And as much as he was annoyed at his CO right now, he did have to admire the officer's skill with women.

However, he wouldn't let himself dwell on Juliana too much as he had several other girls - and boys - to save tonight. And they were always generous in sharing their love.

The POWs heard barking as they neared the woods beside the Schnitzer farm. Walking casually, they waited for the dogs to find them. Wolfgang spotted them first and he looked so happy as he ran their way. LeBeau braced himself to meet the pup but Wolfgang jumped too hard, knocking the Frenchman to the ground. But he didn't mind as he petted the dog and received more kisses than he could ever want. "Good boy! You found us, good boy."

"I think they missed us," Newkirk as Hans and Gerta both vied for his attention.

Carter was all smiles as Heidi kept nudging the American's hand. Scratching her behind her ears, he added, "We missed you, too."

Rolling out from under the pile of fur on top of him, LeBeau leapt to his feet. Calling out in a firm voice he ordered, "Sit." The dogs immediately sat though a few butts still wiggled due to wagging tails. "Speak. Speak."

Soft barks quickly turned into a loud crescendo as the German Shepherds knew how this game worked and were only too happy to play their part. It didn't take long for Schnitzer and another man to come outside and look for the source of the disturbance.

Throwing their hand into the air, the POWs called out, "We surrender!"

"Don't let them hurt us!"

"We surrender!"

* * *

Colonel Klink was a mess. The man paced his office, gesturing wildly as he barked orders that made little sense into a phone. After slamming down the phone, the officer turned his ire on the only other person in room. "Colonel Hogan, I promise you, things will not go well for you if you don't tell me where your men went."

Hogan shrugged. "Sorry, can't help. They didn't clear this with the escape committee."

"This is no time for jokes!"

"Kommandant, I suspect it was those new dogs. They saw how undisciplined they were and decided to make a run for it. I considered it myself."

Mentioning the dogs angered the Kommandant further as an idea entered his mind. "You planned this! You tricked me into switching the dogs!"

"You're ranting, sir."

Klink opened his door and hollered. "Schultz!" Then he turned back to his adversary and added, "You will learn that no one ever escapees from Stalag Thirteen. Your men will be found."

Hogan was about to respond when Schultz rushed into the room, breathing hard. "Herr Kommandant, I must report..."

Klink waved his hand in dismissal. "Escort Colonel Hogan back to the barracks."

"Yes, Herr Kommandant, but I must report..."

"Are you deaf? Get Hogan out of my sight!"

"No, Herr Kommandant. It's the escaped prisoners..."

"What about the escaped prisoners? Have they been found?"

Grateful to finally deliver his report, Schultz answered. "Yes, Herr Kommandant. The dogs found them."

Klink looked confused. "Why didn't you tell me the dogs woke up?"

"They didn't, Herr Kommandant. The new dogs are still sleeping. The old guard dogs found them."

Not quite believing his sergeant of the guard, Klink hurried out of the office with Hogan on his heels. They stepped out into the compound in time to see his missing prisoners march into camp, escorted by four German Shepherds and the camp veterinarian. Newkirk, Carter and LeBeau looked downcast as they came to a halt with the dogs seated in a ring formation around them.

The smug happy look on Klink's face shifted into shocked horror as he realized that his prisoners had not only been recaptured by German Shepherds, but by the four dogs that he had specifically requested General Burkhalter replace.

Oskar Schnitzer stepped forward. "Kommandant Klink, these dogs found your prisoners hiding in the woods near my farm."

Summoning a semblance of authority and control, Klink said, "Thank you, Herr Schnitzer, I will take them from here."

Seemingly nonplussed by the whole situation, the vet called his dogs to heel and turned to leave camp.

"Wait!" Klink hollered. "Leave the dogs. You can come back for those traitors in the morning."

A series of 'protests' from the recaptured prisoners drew the Kommandant's attention back to the men. "Thirty days in the cooler for attempted escape."

While the POWs groaned, Hogan stepped forward. "Herr Kommandant, I must ask for leniency on behalf of my men."

"Denied."

"But, sir, I must protest. That was devious; changing the dogs so we'd think it was safe to escape while having the German Shepherds patrolling the woods this whole time."

"Oui, goes to show you can't trust the Bosche to play fair," LeBeau declared

Newkirk crossed his arms. "A dirty rotten trick, it is."

"We would have gotten away if not for the dogs," Carter agreed.

The snugness returned in all its glory as Klink said, "When will you learn that no one escapees from Stalag Thirteen?"

And with those familiar words and the barking of German Shepherds, Stalag Thirteen returned to normal. The loud explosion that shook the camp an hour later was just the icing on the cake.

* * *

It took Klink a week to get over his anger and let Carter, Newkirk and LeBeau out of the cooler. But when Hogan and Kinch met them in the compound after their release, the three POWs wasted no time in voicing their displeasure over a complaint of their own.

"Kinch, can you believe this officer of ours?" Newkirk asked. "He told us the truth!"

"At least I had the decency to lie," LeBeau added.

"Yeah, it was a pretty rotten trick," Carter added.

Kinch looked thoroughly confused. "I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"Juliana," Carter said with a glazed over look in his eye. "She's beautiful."

"She's a goddess," LeBeau added.

Newkirk grinned. "And her breasts... A man could die happy after being with a girl with a bosom like that."

"Let me see if I understand you," Kinch began. "You're upset because Colonel Hogan told you Juliana was beautiful and it turned out she really was."

"Yes," LeBeau said in a huff. "He did it on purpose, knowing that we'd never believe him."

Newkirk nodded. "Bloody officers."

Turning towards the victim of their ire, Carter asked, "Well, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Hogan wanted to laugh but, noticing that they had walked close the dog pens, a better plan came to mind. "I don't know what you're talking about." Then reaching out a hand, he scratched one the female dogs behind her ears. "Heidi is the only girl for me."


End file.
